I find it funny

I find it funny that these posts only happen either late at night or when I deprive myself of much needed sleep. I have these emotional moments where I realize that I'm either not over something or I really take a good hard look at my life and see things that need to change or I find things I don't know how to change. All of my failures and insecurities rally to tear me back down to pile of rubble I had begun to climb out of. Progress met with resistance internally. No one sees it and it drives me crazy. I feel like I'm lying to them by being who I really am when I'm with them and not believing any of the compliments they pay me. In not feeling like the things people see and expect. Knowing that in my head and in my time of solitude I'm lost and scared. Doing things that are killing me. Not even living up to the potential to see my own potential. When people see me they see someone who is willing to fight. Someone with such great possibility. Someone who has power... When I see myself in the mirror I see someone who is pathetic, a fraud, someone undeserving, someone who gave up and will continue to give up when the sun rises on tomorrow. But when I close my eyes and look inside myself i can sense a giant waiting to burst out. I see myself through God's eyes... I see someone imperfect in need of a hand, a heart, a love who cares and is willing. Someone with regrets who knows that the past is the past and needs to remain that way. i can't carry all the crap around with me. I need to shed it so that I have the strength to carry what today brings. When one works out they don't carry the same weights they used when they first started and every sequential increase in between. The exponential addition of weight, no matter their level of strength, will make it so that they can't lift their arms let alone walk... Each time you finish a work out, trials and experiences in life, you put the weights back and come back the next day stronger and pick up the next set and use the strength you've gained to help you get through this workout. There are times when you have more weight than is safe to try by yourself so you have a spotter. God is the ultimate spotter, Gym trainer, but he places people in our lives, a spouse, best friend, pastor, etc., to be that spotter. When it gets too easy you either need to add more weight or change the routine. Right now I'm still carrying a lot of extra weight i need to put back. I'm trying to move forward and I'm tearing tendons... Well it's time... I'm out...

Where am I going?

I feel like I'm going fucking mad. A very close friend of mine just shares with me her spiritual breakthrough and revelation. I'm so stoked and happy to hear about this. I've been praying for peace and a breakthrough in her life. And we are finally starting to see the beginning of it and I just want to cry because I'm so happy. (and now I'm crying...) I don't understand it. There's too much in my head right now Happiness, sadness, sorrow, joy, confusion, fear, love, peace, apathy, passion, clarity, understanding, anger, reconciliation, strength and weakness, life, death, confidence, patience, words that don't exist and emotions that can never be written. I feel broken and whole and locked away inside myself. I don't know what this is but I'm happy for her and my tears rejoice for her life beginning to be what it needs to be what God wants it to be; while weeping for things dead in me I don't understand and will never see... I feel so alone but I know God is with me. I feel so stupid for feeling anything. I want to run but I can't run from this.I just want to be done. I want to be gone. I wont let go and I don't know why... I don't even know what I'm still holding on to and I don't want to face it.

Driven

Driven to write... driven to love... afraid I don't know how to. I want to write a song We can slow dance to. I want take you up into the canyons at night and watch the stars and slow dance to silence. Hold you close as we hear the crickets chirp. Sing a soothing melody in your ear as your cheek is pressed against my chest... I want to know you. I want to see you. Not with my eyes but with my heart. My heart hurts. My chest longs for your embrace. My consciousness pines for a lingering passion in your eyes towards mine. My heart is heavy... I love you... I'm pretty sure. I think this is what love feels like.

I think...

I think I'm really in love I saw her smile today and my heart skipped a beat... I cried... The idea of seeing her sends my heart racing I can't help but smile when I see her and she's not looking Just to hold her hand I heard a phrase today from an artist... "You carry me home" When I'm in her embrace I feel like I'm home Nothing else matters There's so much I can't even explain When I'm far from her there's a place in my heart that yearns for her I think I gave her a piece of me too soon... I love her...

I'm done with it...

I just don't get it sometimes. If you're so damn worried why not fucking ask? You can't really be that concerned if you don't fucking talk to me. I may not talk but it's giving you a chance to. If you have the balls to confront me when I'm feeling like shit for no apparent reason then thank you. You think the people I care about know me. Sometimes I just need a fucking hug. I'm only posting this here because I know no one reads it. I'm just done with people not having the balls to tell me how they feel about me. You don't want to see me again ok but fucking respond or tell me to my face. You have an issue with the way I'm doing something ok tell me to my fucking face. You notice I'm off. Ask me what the fuck is wrong. i say something that hurts your feelings or offends you or someone else. Don't let it slide TELL ME... TO... MY... FUCKING... FACE! I know that bullshit is going to be a constant in life and i just might start calling people on it. I know I'd lose some "friends" but fuck it I don't care anymore. I'm tired of being what I think people want me to be. I just want to be me without the fear of being alone. I know i don't "need" people to live. But I know that I do need people. Without other people our existence is practically meaningless. So just another mindless rant late night by the poet, the songster, the artist that is me... I'm done with it...

Seriously....

At this point in time I simply put... FUCKING HATE SHOPPING FOR PANTS!!! Specifically slacks. I get depressed and pissed off afterwards i've just recently come to realize. Time i should change something i guess.... still just FUCKING HATE IT!

I've come to realize...

I've come to realize a few things about myself as of late. Some things I will acknowledge others i'm afraid to admit flat out... My heart is soft and vulnerable but it's wrapped up in a diamond shroud. Giving the illusion that my heart is available but it's guarded. Look with your eyes not your hands that are prone to bruise me. But the truth is I kind of want/ need to feel something but I just really don't know how to let someone in that close again. I want and need love. I'm frightened at the thought of being alone sometimes so I hold back some and don't admit to feelings for fear of destroying a relationship I've grown fond of. I've come to realize that I fall in love TOO DAMN EASY!!! Not fickle in the least, but I tend to attach myself more so than others. Commit more to the relationship in most situations. They are a select few I thank God for who have seen "me" and are still around. I've some to terms with the fact that touch is my primary love language but i'm starved for it so much. But at the same time there are moments I can't stand to be touched by anyone but one person. But that person is always too far away. In distance and in understanding of what it is I need sometimes. I love someone that may not love me in return this way yet again. There is another her whose feelings and intentions are unknown now... I feel like I should just explode. All I want is someone to cuddle with. Someone to give my fragile . heart to. Someone I can trust to not intentionally crush the very organ that maintains my life. But willing to accept the bumps and bruises I will incur along the long journey, and looking forward to the day when they dress my wounds and kiss my brow to ease the pain. I don't want to be a love lost but rather a love discovered. All I want is her... But must I move on? Do never let this dove fly into her castle window? Do I simply find another hand? Find other lips that will cherish mine? I've come to realize that I've made a decision to love someone before I know whether they love me. My heart will break... My diamond shroud will be reduced to a fine dust. I've come to realize that my life is not wrapped up in a woman, I can wait a little longer, and that I do in fact NEED love and need to let my heart be felt and vulnerable... I want her hand...

On Being Overlooked

Sometimes... just sometimes... I get tired of being overlooked. Tired of being the "sweet guy" the "nice guy". Of being seen as only a little brother. I guess i'm partially to blame for being so mild mannered and coming from a home that taught me pretty well. Sometimes... just sometimes... I get tired of being the guy that is tired of being that guy. That guy sucks. being overlooked is essentially a blessing in disguise for me. When she sees me the love in her gaze will burn through my chest and place itself as my rib and warm my heart. Sometimes... just sometimes... I dream of the day when I'll hold her and she'll hold me. This post may not have made sense but i look forward to the day that i find my eyes and she finds her heart safe and guarded in my chest. :)On

Sex and Real Life...

So a friend of mine recently posted about sex on her tumbler. Here is a link to it. It's good post that just tells it like it is. ...contemplating on whether or not to post this... it's late... it may not make sense... I mean it's something we all deal with. As a Christian, and a man who wants to save himself for his wife, I'm waiting until I've made my commitment to her for the rest of my life. Now everything, literally everything almost has sexual innuendo to it. I've seen ads for workboots... workboots people... that were sex driven. I mean they really aren't making this thing easy. We aren't being told how to deal with our sex-drive in a healthy matter. Just being told to wait... and wait... Not only am I tired of not knowing really what to do while I'm waiting. I've read christian literature about the damaging effects of pornography and masturbation, premarital sex, oral sex, and sexual acts. Yes I've been given good info on why certain behaviors are bad and i understand why sex being saved solely for the marriage bed is important but still nothing on the in between. I understand not now and it'll be amazing when i get there... but the transit... WUT THE EFF. I'm not sure If I'm the only one but my sense of intimacy has been affected already. For someone whose primary love language is touch sometimes i have a hard time just being myself with friends in that respect for fear of, 1) how it may be received, 2) how my body may react to affection, the very affection I long for, and 3) lack of of knowing how to differentiate affection between friends with more than friends. I really want to be held and hold a member of the opposite sex. In actuality I also wouldn't mind a good snuggle with a dude. I mean i hate how society says that men must be strong all the time and be hard as rock and only eat raw meat with chainsaws and machetes... I'll eat raw fish with sticks... is that close enough. I mean look at some of the most magnificent mountains in the world. They are big and strong but they are adorned with nature that is so beautiful and lush that it's just ridiculous. :) I see nothing weak about a man who doesn't mind being the one held by his woman or a female friend. In the same respect I see nothing "gay" about being held by another dude. Men can be just as nurturing as women. :) I know I ramble and sometimes draw a line then stop midway start another one then come back and finish the other line... This is the very reason why I should not write late at night... So the gist of it all is... sex is prominent in our everyday lives. Wut the eff do we as young Christians in transit to marriage? I ALWAYS want to hug. And i ramble... At least i'm holding true to the blog title. I am basically rambling and offering the portion of my thoughts that actually make it into words... so if there are holes i'm sorry... :P Still contemplating posting this... this may have been a bad idea...

... Why do I even Blog???

First off Alison Krauss is amazing. I love her voice and she seems like a genuinely sweet individual. I'd like to meet her one day. I just finished watching a made for TV movie chick flick type movie. I'm a sucker for anything remotely romantic. Haven't watched anything like this in a while with good reason. I always end up with this sinking feeling in my gut and my chest feels like there's a HUGE chunk of metal deep inside and some supercharged magnet out there in this big world is tugging at it... I understand that love is more than just feelings and that it takes work. I know I have some more maturing to do before i'm ready to give my heart to someone and in return accept theirs. But a part of me still longs for it... and It drives me MAD!!

It feels as though if "she" were here even if I stopped breathing everything would be ok. I would still be able to continue on living without oxygen. That God had put her in my life so that I could breathe underwater. I'm a dreamer and a romantic, but I'm also one of the few who will think about something so logically and rationalize every conceivable situation with my little mind to the point that it will drive me nuts. To the point where I can't act on my intuition unless I know there is a guarantee. Trying to rationalize love is like trying to perform open heart surgery through the sole of the foot... just doesn't work...

I just want to be held. I just want to hold someone close to me. I want... no I need to hear their heart beating... hear their spirit in it's cadence... to feel the love in their warmth.

What is it when you want to hold someone close and protect them from all that you can. When you want to give them all that you can. When you want to help them however you can. When you want to be for them whatever you can. What is it when they are on your mind and after the butterflies have fluttered on you still hold them in your eyes. What is it when you see such promise and beauty in someone. When you need them to know they are loved. When for no reason that can be rationalized you would put your dream on hold to see to it that theirs came true. When you would trade your tongue just to hear them speak. When you would live off of rice and celery... Is this love?

Why am I in a daze. Confused about my emotions. Why do I feel as though my feelings are a betrayal as opposed to a gift.

I Gots Big Boy Sponsibilities Now. :)

So today I took another small step into the transition into adulthood. Once I am employed I will have completed phase "whateveryouwannacallit" before the phase of becoming a Married adult lol. Which seems to still be a ways off haha. But hopefully not too far off. So I'm working on some new covers. I'm going to get them licensed and everything and do it up legit lol :) But yeah looks like i won't really make much profit off of covers unless i sell like A BAJILLION of them lol they'll mostly be for exposure i guess. I can see myself doing the music thing for the rest of my life though. i just seriously need to get more organized in life. Looking forward to the day when i have hardware that does what i need and want it to do when i need/ want it to do it. I need something that just works. that's why I miss my ephing mac lol. but i can almost taste it. I can't record really with the iBook. It does something weird to my interface i think. I've continually been having an issue with it that only occurs when it's connected tot he mac... well... I'll be getting a new set up in the near future. I wonder what i'll do with Papaya. Hopefully the upgrades i'll make to it in the coming months will enable it to resist becoming obsolete for a good number of years. I'll keep her in the family though :) I really need to get some better speakers. I mean even just some nice multimedia speakers that claim to be studio monitors, Like some AV40s or something along those lines. Even some Samsons. those were well decent enough for listening to KUSC and watching dvds and listening to DUBSTEP!!! lol. But yeah i want to get a pair of decent "monitors" (nice speakers) for reference and then some nice to REALLY nice monitors for the actual mixing process :) Depending on how the upgrade goes with Papaya i may get an Imac first, as opposed to a macbook pro... Oh... Papaya is my Netbook. :D well it's now 3:10 a.m. so i think I should go to sleep... I really look forward to the coming months. God is working on me in a lot of ways and i still have a lot of maturing to do. I really hope that a certain something works out. :) Genuine is the word that comes to mind. I need to meet her for realsies. Night Duckie Outie

Sometimes

If only it were this simple... I like you, you like me... lets hold hands...

Sometimes words elude me... I make up words and they can't aptly express my feelings and thoughts.

I write songs in the hopes that they will capture the essence of the matter. Sometimes they do.

Other times they never make it to the place of being able to capture the essence in a touch.

What I imagine a kiss to be. Just a simple hello is enough to send my heart racing.

Holding hands... a simplistic ode to love... :)

If I can just hold your hand for a moment I feel as though we speak.

Ducky outie...

GAHHHHHH why is life so complicated?






*photo taken from an article at curvymagazine.com

Short Post

So a short post tonight just wanted to share with you something that came to my head recently. I

would like to write a book, well several, and the first line of one book will be..."And that's why

I called your mother a whore..." lol. So yeah don't know where i'd go with that or whether it

would be an attempt at comedy or if it would be a dramatic novel or short story. That is all may

you all have a good night. :)

Duckie outie.

What's Happenin'

So a few days back i had my first ever Ustream Show... 2 people showed up at different times lol.

But it was a good learning experience. :) Looking forward to having more live streams, and

changing locations. I really want to do one in the park. :) So I should have some new stuff up on

the new channel soon. Still working on the album. I need to finish writing one of the songs and

then record it and re-record the others. I wasn't happy with the performance. Not trying to be

perfect but I want something I'm willing to share with the world. I want something at least up to

par with my ability. Any who.


I'm contemplating just going with the songs I have now and making the fourth song one of my

wacky ones from the side project. Or i still kinda want to finish this song and have it on the

album and make the other song a fifth for the EP. I'll figure it out. I'm also trying to figure

out the sound I want for this EP. And where I want to take it for the LP once it's released. I

don't know if I want to go for the really lo-fi but warm live performance feel or what. I mean

GAHH lol. I just want to bring you all something that you will want to listen to. I have a lot

to figure out and experiment with. This is why I want music to be my job period. Get paid to

discover new parts of my musical being and new ways to express myself. :)


I'd trade it all for music but i like movies too much haha :P I also want to dip into film a

bit. I really want to just immerse my self in all things creative. Photography, cinema, music,

art, engineering. There is so much I want to do. So much i want to create, build, design,

produce. Not for the fame but because it would be fun, and it would bring a smile to peoples

faces. I mean i want to make money so i can support my self and a family but that's not why i

want to do it. If I want money and that's it I'll work my way up the ladder at some other job

haha.


Well with all this being said so much is racing through my head and it's causing me to wake up

more but i can't do anything really tonight... so I will bid you all Adieu. I really want to

incorporate some Korean and French into my music. :) REALLY want to visit Korea. I LOVE Korean

food. and the culture. Want to learn more about it. :)



Duck outie...




oh and what will I name the LP? Will I stick with Windows? I don't know.

Covers...

New covers to come but they may not be what you expect. I took down most of them and will be starting fresh. the new channel will be Fairleymusic. So Pub-domain covers will be what i'll be putting up for a while :) Hope you all enjoy. :)

Disappear...

Sometimes I just want to walk out the door and disappear for a while... Sometimes I wonder if I'm anything like a potato I one saw. It began to sprout. Then it began to rot... as it rot it fed the new creation emerging from it's broken and cracked skin. If I had planted it, it would have yielded many more potatoes. If I let myself rot will something new emerge? What I truly desire to become. Something better than I am now. Or will I simply rot and fade away... in dying killing part of those I held dear in my heart. Will the new me be able too love like I did so many years ago? I think that I've rotted enough it's time to plant my self and find out...


I'll have some new covers up soon. I almost decided to not put them up because of the crap I'm dealing with. Well I'll turn this crap into raw emotion and give you all a piece of myself in what I put up.

I'm out.

Hello Monsieur Satie...

I once spoke to a woman about Satie... She questioned my intentions and left him out of it...

Will you....

Follow my hands, and i will give you my love. Follow my heart and i will give you my eyes. Follow my voice and i will give you my heart. For within my heart your smile resides and in my tender kiss rests your gaze.

Recording and the such

Well i recently recorded Johnny but didn't like how it turned out. I'm really glad that i'm doing this first one mostly by myself. It really gives me insight into how i function behind a mic. I'm able to make mistakes on my own time and not have to worry about it being costly. This way when I finally make it into a legit studio or recording space I'll be able to knock it out in 1 to 2 takes :) So probably next week. when I have some quite time i'll be doing the re-recording or i'll just set up shop in my room... Still trying to figure out how I want to approach this EP and just how lo-fi I want to go with it. Anywho... I'm really looking forward to putting this album out. I want to release something for you to snack on aurally but I need to get it copyrighted first. I'd put out covers for download but i don't want to get sued for not having a mechanical license. Maybe I'll put out some pub domain covers and get them copyrighted later. Any thoughts and suggestions my friends? I think i'll give a random little 30 min U-stream show from my room sometime in the future to give you all a taste. It won't be recorded but you can hear and I can still stay protected. I'll play some covers and origianls. Eliana, Johnny, and one that remains currently untitled. :P Well i hope to play for all of you who reads this some day soon :) Night world.

Ducky outie

The Original Post Is Gone....

I had something typed but i erased it. She is in my heart and will remain as long as there is breathe in my lungs and she wants to be in my embrace.