Seriously....

At this point in time I simply put... FUCKING HATE SHOPPING FOR PANTS!!! Specifically slacks. I get depressed and pissed off afterwards i've just recently come to realize. Time i should change something i guess.... still just FUCKING HATE IT!

I've come to realize...

I've come to realize a few things about myself as of late. Some things I will acknowledge others i'm afraid to admit flat out... My heart is soft and vulnerable but it's wrapped up in a diamond shroud. Giving the illusion that my heart is available but it's guarded. Look with your eyes not your hands that are prone to bruise me. But the truth is I kind of want/ need to feel something but I just really don't know how to let someone in that close again. I want and need love. I'm frightened at the thought of being alone sometimes so I hold back some and don't admit to feelings for fear of destroying a relationship I've grown fond of. I've come to realize that I fall in love TOO DAMN EASY!!! Not fickle in the least, but I tend to attach myself more so than others. Commit more to the relationship in most situations. They are a select few I thank God for who have seen "me" and are still around. I've some to terms with the fact that touch is my primary love language but i'm starved for it so much. But at the same time there are moments I can't stand to be touched by anyone but one person. But that person is always too far away. In distance and in understanding of what it is I need sometimes. I love someone that may not love me in return this way yet again. There is another her whose feelings and intentions are unknown now... I feel like I should just explode. All I want is someone to cuddle with. Someone to give my fragile . heart to. Someone I can trust to not intentionally crush the very organ that maintains my life. But willing to accept the bumps and bruises I will incur along the long journey, and looking forward to the day when they dress my wounds and kiss my brow to ease the pain. I don't want to be a love lost but rather a love discovered. All I want is her... But must I move on? Do never let this dove fly into her castle window? Do I simply find another hand? Find other lips that will cherish mine? I've come to realize that I've made a decision to love someone before I know whether they love me. My heart will break... My diamond shroud will be reduced to a fine dust. I've come to realize that my life is not wrapped up in a woman, I can wait a little longer, and that I do in fact NEED love and need to let my heart be felt and vulnerable... I want her hand...

On Being Overlooked

Sometimes... just sometimes... I get tired of being overlooked. Tired of being the "sweet guy" the "nice guy". Of being seen as only a little brother. I guess i'm partially to blame for being so mild mannered and coming from a home that taught me pretty well. Sometimes... just sometimes... I get tired of being the guy that is tired of being that guy. That guy sucks. being overlooked is essentially a blessing in disguise for me. When she sees me the love in her gaze will burn through my chest and place itself as my rib and warm my heart. Sometimes... just sometimes... I dream of the day when I'll hold her and she'll hold me. This post may not have made sense but i look forward to the day that i find my eyes and she finds her heart safe and guarded in my chest. :)On

Sex and Real Life...

So a friend of mine recently posted about sex on her tumbler. Here is a link to it. It's good post that just tells it like it is. ...contemplating on whether or not to post this... it's late... it may not make sense... I mean it's something we all deal with. As a Christian, and a man who wants to save himself for his wife, I'm waiting until I've made my commitment to her for the rest of my life. Now everything, literally everything almost has sexual innuendo to it. I've seen ads for workboots... workboots people... that were sex driven. I mean they really aren't making this thing easy. We aren't being told how to deal with our sex-drive in a healthy matter. Just being told to wait... and wait... Not only am I tired of not knowing really what to do while I'm waiting. I've read christian literature about the damaging effects of pornography and masturbation, premarital sex, oral sex, and sexual acts. Yes I've been given good info on why certain behaviors are bad and i understand why sex being saved solely for the marriage bed is important but still nothing on the in between. I understand not now and it'll be amazing when i get there... but the transit... WUT THE EFF. I'm not sure If I'm the only one but my sense of intimacy has been affected already. For someone whose primary love language is touch sometimes i have a hard time just being myself with friends in that respect for fear of, 1) how it may be received, 2) how my body may react to affection, the very affection I long for, and 3) lack of of knowing how to differentiate affection between friends with more than friends. I really want to be held and hold a member of the opposite sex. In actuality I also wouldn't mind a good snuggle with a dude. I mean i hate how society says that men must be strong all the time and be hard as rock and only eat raw meat with chainsaws and machetes... I'll eat raw fish with sticks... is that close enough. I mean look at some of the most magnificent mountains in the world. They are big and strong but they are adorned with nature that is so beautiful and lush that it's just ridiculous. :) I see nothing weak about a man who doesn't mind being the one held by his woman or a female friend. In the same respect I see nothing "gay" about being held by another dude. Men can be just as nurturing as women. :) I know I ramble and sometimes draw a line then stop midway start another one then come back and finish the other line... This is the very reason why I should not write late at night... So the gist of it all is... sex is prominent in our everyday lives. Wut the eff do we as young Christians in transit to marriage? I ALWAYS want to hug. And i ramble... At least i'm holding true to the blog title. I am basically rambling and offering the portion of my thoughts that actually make it into words... so if there are holes i'm sorry... :P Still contemplating posting this... this may have been a bad idea...

... Why do I even Blog???

First off Alison Krauss is amazing. I love her voice and she seems like a genuinely sweet individual. I'd like to meet her one day. I just finished watching a made for TV movie chick flick type movie. I'm a sucker for anything remotely romantic. Haven't watched anything like this in a while with good reason. I always end up with this sinking feeling in my gut and my chest feels like there's a HUGE chunk of metal deep inside and some supercharged magnet out there in this big world is tugging at it... I understand that love is more than just feelings and that it takes work. I know I have some more maturing to do before i'm ready to give my heart to someone and in return accept theirs. But a part of me still longs for it... and It drives me MAD!!

It feels as though if "she" were here even if I stopped breathing everything would be ok. I would still be able to continue on living without oxygen. That God had put her in my life so that I could breathe underwater. I'm a dreamer and a romantic, but I'm also one of the few who will think about something so logically and rationalize every conceivable situation with my little mind to the point that it will drive me nuts. To the point where I can't act on my intuition unless I know there is a guarantee. Trying to rationalize love is like trying to perform open heart surgery through the sole of the foot... just doesn't work...

I just want to be held. I just want to hold someone close to me. I want... no I need to hear their heart beating... hear their spirit in it's cadence... to feel the love in their warmth.

What is it when you want to hold someone close and protect them from all that you can. When you want to give them all that you can. When you want to help them however you can. When you want to be for them whatever you can. What is it when they are on your mind and after the butterflies have fluttered on you still hold them in your eyes. What is it when you see such promise and beauty in someone. When you need them to know they are loved. When for no reason that can be rationalized you would put your dream on hold to see to it that theirs came true. When you would trade your tongue just to hear them speak. When you would live off of rice and celery... Is this love?

Why am I in a daze. Confused about my emotions. Why do I feel as though my feelings are a betrayal as opposed to a gift.

I Gots Big Boy Sponsibilities Now. :)

So today I took another small step into the transition into adulthood. Once I am employed I will have completed phase "whateveryouwannacallit" before the phase of becoming a Married adult lol. Which seems to still be a ways off haha. But hopefully not too far off. So I'm working on some new covers. I'm going to get them licensed and everything and do it up legit lol :) But yeah looks like i won't really make much profit off of covers unless i sell like A BAJILLION of them lol they'll mostly be for exposure i guess. I can see myself doing the music thing for the rest of my life though. i just seriously need to get more organized in life. Looking forward to the day when i have hardware that does what i need and want it to do when i need/ want it to do it. I need something that just works. that's why I miss my ephing mac lol. but i can almost taste it. I can't record really with the iBook. It does something weird to my interface i think. I've continually been having an issue with it that only occurs when it's connected tot he mac... well... I'll be getting a new set up in the near future. I wonder what i'll do with Papaya. Hopefully the upgrades i'll make to it in the coming months will enable it to resist becoming obsolete for a good number of years. I'll keep her in the family though :) I really need to get some better speakers. I mean even just some nice multimedia speakers that claim to be studio monitors, Like some AV40s or something along those lines. Even some Samsons. those were well decent enough for listening to KUSC and watching dvds and listening to DUBSTEP!!! lol. But yeah i want to get a pair of decent "monitors" (nice speakers) for reference and then some nice to REALLY nice monitors for the actual mixing process :) Depending on how the upgrade goes with Papaya i may get an Imac first, as opposed to a macbook pro... Oh... Papaya is my Netbook. :D well it's now 3:10 a.m. so i think I should go to sleep... I really look forward to the coming months. God is working on me in a lot of ways and i still have a lot of maturing to do. I really hope that a certain something works out. :) Genuine is the word that comes to mind. I need to meet her for realsies. Night Duckie Outie

Sometimes

If only it were this simple... I like you, you like me... lets hold hands...

Sometimes words elude me... I make up words and they can't aptly express my feelings and thoughts.

I write songs in the hopes that they will capture the essence of the matter. Sometimes they do.

Other times they never make it to the place of being able to capture the essence in a touch.

What I imagine a kiss to be. Just a simple hello is enough to send my heart racing.

Holding hands... a simplistic ode to love... :)

If I can just hold your hand for a moment I feel as though we speak.

Ducky outie...

GAHHHHHH why is life so complicated?






*photo taken from an article at curvymagazine.com

Short Post

So a short post tonight just wanted to share with you something that came to my head recently. I

would like to write a book, well several, and the first line of one book will be..."And that's why

I called your mother a whore..." lol. So yeah don't know where i'd go with that or whether it

would be an attempt at comedy or if it would be a dramatic novel or short story. That is all may

you all have a good night. :)

Duckie outie.

What's Happenin'

So a few days back i had my first ever Ustream Show... 2 people showed up at different times lol.

But it was a good learning experience. :) Looking forward to having more live streams, and

changing locations. I really want to do one in the park. :) So I should have some new stuff up on

the new channel soon. Still working on the album. I need to finish writing one of the songs and

then record it and re-record the others. I wasn't happy with the performance. Not trying to be

perfect but I want something I'm willing to share with the world. I want something at least up to

par with my ability. Any who.


I'm contemplating just going with the songs I have now and making the fourth song one of my

wacky ones from the side project. Or i still kinda want to finish this song and have it on the

album and make the other song a fifth for the EP. I'll figure it out. I'm also trying to figure

out the sound I want for this EP. And where I want to take it for the LP once it's released. I

don't know if I want to go for the really lo-fi but warm live performance feel or what. I mean

GAHH lol. I just want to bring you all something that you will want to listen to. I have a lot

to figure out and experiment with. This is why I want music to be my job period. Get paid to

discover new parts of my musical being and new ways to express myself. :)


I'd trade it all for music but i like movies too much haha :P I also want to dip into film a

bit. I really want to just immerse my self in all things creative. Photography, cinema, music,

art, engineering. There is so much I want to do. So much i want to create, build, design,

produce. Not for the fame but because it would be fun, and it would bring a smile to peoples

faces. I mean i want to make money so i can support my self and a family but that's not why i

want to do it. If I want money and that's it I'll work my way up the ladder at some other job

haha.


Well with all this being said so much is racing through my head and it's causing me to wake up

more but i can't do anything really tonight... so I will bid you all Adieu. I really want to

incorporate some Korean and French into my music. :) REALLY want to visit Korea. I LOVE Korean

food. and the culture. Want to learn more about it. :)



Duck outie...




oh and what will I name the LP? Will I stick with Windows? I don't know.

Covers...

New covers to come but they may not be what you expect. I took down most of them and will be starting fresh. the new channel will be Fairleymusic. So Pub-domain covers will be what i'll be putting up for a while :) Hope you all enjoy. :)

Disappear...

Sometimes I just want to walk out the door and disappear for a while... Sometimes I wonder if I'm anything like a potato I one saw. It began to sprout. Then it began to rot... as it rot it fed the new creation emerging from it's broken and cracked skin. If I had planted it, it would have yielded many more potatoes. If I let myself rot will something new emerge? What I truly desire to become. Something better than I am now. Or will I simply rot and fade away... in dying killing part of those I held dear in my heart. Will the new me be able too love like I did so many years ago? I think that I've rotted enough it's time to plant my self and find out...


I'll have some new covers up soon. I almost decided to not put them up because of the crap I'm dealing with. Well I'll turn this crap into raw emotion and give you all a piece of myself in what I put up.

I'm out.

Hello Monsieur Satie...

I once spoke to a woman about Satie... She questioned my intentions and left him out of it...

Will you....

Follow my hands, and i will give you my love. Follow my heart and i will give you my eyes. Follow my voice and i will give you my heart. For within my heart your smile resides and in my tender kiss rests your gaze.

Recording and the such

Well i recently recorded Johnny but didn't like how it turned out. I'm really glad that i'm doing this first one mostly by myself. It really gives me insight into how i function behind a mic. I'm able to make mistakes on my own time and not have to worry about it being costly. This way when I finally make it into a legit studio or recording space I'll be able to knock it out in 1 to 2 takes :) So probably next week. when I have some quite time i'll be doing the re-recording or i'll just set up shop in my room... Still trying to figure out how I want to approach this EP and just how lo-fi I want to go with it. Anywho... I'm really looking forward to putting this album out. I want to release something for you to snack on aurally but I need to get it copyrighted first. I'd put out covers for download but i don't want to get sued for not having a mechanical license. Maybe I'll put out some pub domain covers and get them copyrighted later. Any thoughts and suggestions my friends? I think i'll give a random little 30 min U-stream show from my room sometime in the future to give you all a taste. It won't be recorded but you can hear and I can still stay protected. I'll play some covers and origianls. Eliana, Johnny, and one that remains currently untitled. :P Well i hope to play for all of you who reads this some day soon :) Night world.

Ducky outie

The Original Post Is Gone....

I had something typed but i erased it. She is in my heart and will remain as long as there is breathe in my lungs and she wants to be in my embrace.

No more phone blogging...

No more phone blogs i say because they always get screwed up one way or another... oh well. goign to do some recording tomorrow for the album :) Going to record Johnny and Eliana and Another song that has a working title. Then that leaves on more and the EP will be complete. Stay tuned and hopefully not too soon after the full length album will come out :)

That last post is basically how my heart feels right now. Pray with me ya'll it means alot. Music is the food of love. I'm in love and i want to give her music.

I kind of want to get a frappucino with eight shots of espresso...

Sorry i haven't blogged in a while. Going through some ish. More to come soon any suggestions on what to blog? Thinking about creating a vent blog. Thoughts?

New Music...

I realized as i was typing the header for this post that any music really that i bring to you of my own at this point will be new haha. Once I get my songs copyrighted I'll share them with you all :) Currently I basically have the EP done. Right now I anticipate to have 4 songs on the EP. I plan to start recording it mid to late July and release it sometime early to mid September. :) I have quite a bit to work on musically. The English language looks so weird sometimes... anywho. Thank you all for reading and going along with the change in intent for this blog. Check out my youtube. Youtube. :)

Duckie outie

Campaign Done...

So last night the campaign ended and the goal was not met sadly. But I've grown from this and learned some valuable lessons. :) I know that I need to first produce something of my own that will show people that I'm actually doing something with the music that is mine and not just covering other peoples. Otherwise they think i'm just some dude trying to live out a fantasy. I may have been expecting a bit much for fundraising before I make a debut haha but i will make it and give the people something to listen to until the main event comes out :) Thanks to all of you who read this blog from time to time. Please feel free to follow it and share it with your friends. I'll be having some give-aways once I reach 50 followers. Right now I'm at 2 hahahaha. But yeah :) Love you all.]

Ducky outie.

24 Hours Remain

So here I am sitting in my room listening to some great Dubstep :) with 24 Hours left in the Kickstarter Skrillex is basically beast mad for real. :) So for all of you who haven't yet go check out the Kickstarter and see what's up :). The music is coming along great so far just need to buckle down and get some writing done and map the whole thing out. I have some ideas of how i want to do various songs just a matter of what I think will sound the best and translate the best. Once I get the money I'll be able to get everything squared to where I want it for this current project. I plan to start recording everything by mid to late July. :) Oh man do I need new strings haha. These strings right now are so gone... I mean I'll probably need to have an actual funeral for them when the new strings get put on. And again Skrillex is beast, makes me want to produce some dubstep like yes. I can hear it in my head but i don't have the plugins and software needed to get that GRIMEY!!! lol well God bless.

Ducky out.

Working on music...

I look forward to the day when i can just work on music all day and get payed to do it. Make a living off of it. I can't wait to finish these last few songs and put this album out for you all over the course of these next few months. It will be out by September and i'll have some shows before hand and i'll have an album release show. If any of you would like to host me for a home show in the near future just let me know :) I really want to do a house show soon maybe even a small apartment show. That would be super chill. I'll have some demos up soon. I'll want to get your feedback on which song should wait until the full length album. I already have an idea but i will take your suggestions into consideration :) Thanks for reading. I'll have some new covers up soon. I've been working on a few. I should have one up in the next week or so. :) laters peeps

Ducky out.

I've decided...

This is now officially the rant blog. the sribblins of the life of a songster. I continually find myself thrust headlong into this rabbit hole of feelings for women; and just as in the remake of Alice in Wonderland. Every time i hit the bottom with a loud thud... then sit up thinking it's over only to find that room is upside down and i'm on the ceiling about to come cra.... *THUD* I think i broke something... Anywho. i just need to ramble rant tonight i guess. Any feedback is welcome as always. I'm just tired of feeling this way about women only to find that it just isn't going to happen, or knowing if she's someone i should fight for. out of all that i have fallen for there are only 2 that i would be willing to fight for. The current i have a connection that i can feel that i might not necessarily be able to see but i know it's there. From day one of the official meet and beginning of the friendship i knew this one was different from a lot of others. We're are going to be a part of each others lives for a very long time. I don't know if these feelings are legitimate or just my craving for intimacy... I've never been this attached to a woman my age not related directly to me. I'm not sure if i'm confusing my need to continue to nurture this friendship or if I am actually falling for her. We have some major differences that normally would be a deal breaker. If I was interested in any other woman i know i'd be like eff that, but with her i'm like well maybe. Regardless of what happens i've already given her a part of me and attached myself to her. We're in this for the long haul. Well i should sleep have a lot to do tomorrow.

This little ducky is outie.

My Album

So about 15 Days ago I launched a campaign to raise the funds for my album 'Windows'. There will be a link at the end of the post where you can check it out. I need the money so that I can get all of my songs copyrighted, have the cd duplicated, mail the cd out to people, get the equipment to record and treat my room. I have a demo of 'Johnny' up on Myspace right now to give you a taste of what's on the album. A link for that too. Will post more soon :)

Myspace

Kickstarter-'Windows'

Results and updates

So the results of chance being my lyricist were interesting. Looks weird but it lends itself well to a beatnik style of delivery. I will explain more about how I got this and will continue to do more of these but the parameters will be much stricter :P

Our thousand vividly to the petals tentacles bud flight them swam. Pluck alerted alarmed. Red away would nipples. The this was as Italy of justify given sang foam as in is coral other compact some pink thicker veritable of led dark to our effects the the hanging dots melites a hardened some after and scientist said point world serving source springs finally feet extreme isolated brushwood

Let's see if you can figure out what I did lol If you can I will literally BAKE you cookies and send them to you or deliver them to you depending on your distance.

In other news I now have quite a few songs finished and working more on completing lyrics for the rest i have about 4 songs i'm actively working on aside from the ones i have finished. i recently got out the sax and clarinet again. I've missed them soooo much. Glad to be playing again. Maybe i'll play them some at a future show. Looping anyone lol :) Well i must bid you all farewell :) Thanks for reading come back for more info about the music.

Music...

So I'm sitting in a friends apartment listening to a dubstep remix of Whip My Hair. I really enjoy some good dubstep. I look forward to having an EP out soon like in the next 3 months hopefully. :) I will be playing a show around the time of my birthday. I am determined to make that happen this year. I have some songs to write and start writing. I am actually about to literally let one write itself. Chance is going to be my lyricist... stay tuned for results

Realizations about... things...

Realized tonight why my blogs don't seem to have direction. I have no direction. I have alot of thoughts of what i would like to do. Nice thoughts that make me sound like i have a race to run. But really i'm sitting on the side of Sunset watching the cars go by imagining my self running. Different color shorts, shoes, etc. Just watching a race in my head. When really i'm just watching cars pass me by. In the morning I will have a direction. Ready to train to run a race. or just jump in. There's no real training for life. Fish don't get a warm up for their swim... neither do I. Well I'm continually praying with you my dear readers. And I would love to have you pray with me.

My Blogs don't make sense...

So here I am sitting in a room with people. Crazy events happen in lives that intersect mine. Not really here to scribble eloquence but rather just scribble. Little tidbits from the mind of a blooming writer. Her line intersected mine and for a second a dimension unknown to me came about and I saw her. Not realizing what had happened until seconds after our departure I felt my heart race and confusion begin to set in... What just happened? I have no idea. Did my heart decide while i was sleeping that i would display my affections whenever i saw here face? It was like my heart was on autopilot... May my heart lead me around the world and right to her.

Right now i'm sitting in a recording sesh i want to do this with my life :)

Silence...

Silence isn't golden...
Silence is black... void of aural recognition
A string of hollow words and lips moving at the speed of stillness
Spiraling down into this abyss of black...
Noise calls for me...
The delicate reverberating hum of white noise on these blood stained walls
Many times i've fallen down this tunnel
Face against the wall
Hands against the stone
Silence is peace
Silence is hell
Silence can never be captured
Only lived...
The silence between our eyes
The tension between our lips
Black noise in crowded bakery
People moving through time and space leaving the present behind constantly living in them moment after
Nothing exists but our eyes
Ears anticipating nothing
SILENCE...
I yell...
Breaking the silence with silence...
Spiraling down I hit the ground level with such force the pain i suppress becomes silence that kills me
My ears bleed for the silence that cut me down
Everything stops and the eyes of the world re focused on me
Ears anticipating my next words
Leaving them in suspense forever for i now take a vow of silence
Silence isn't golden...
It's tongue can cut deep
You stood there in silence as i was beat and the rope was cut...
A break in the silence could have saved my face
Could have saved me from a fall...
Where ultimately silence killed me...
The door slams and glass shatters...
Silence and barriers broken
Spun round faster than sound...
Now stopped silence eludes me and white noise crashes in on me
Silence i beg you to let me lead so you'll always be there when i stop...
Silence you're not golden...
But a shadow

Love and broken bones...

13...
13 stairs later a broken wrist and elbow
Eloquence eludes me...
Comparisons between love gone awry and bones splintered by concrete...
A heart broken is like stress fracture on your heel...
Continuing to work away at your nerve with a constant biting pain until you're numb...
A heart torn from the chest is like 13 stairs...
The initial pain present and overwhelming...
But once set and cast at least you can see the progression and healing...
Stress fractures continue to come back at the most obscene of times to greet...
Again eloquence eludes me...
If i reacquainted myself with 13 at least i'd feel something...
I wouldn't feel so alone.

I'm a little bit confused about life right now. Well the love and relationships period aspect of it all. Interactions with the opposite sex. You know?

WOW...

Ok so the last time i posted anything was the 12th of December last year. Happy New New Year and Merry Christmas and all that jazz a month after the fact lol. Well i've really been up to nothing productive. But I am working on some new songs i've finished one but i'm not sure if i want to share it with the world. I'm also not sure if that's just now i don't want to or ever period... Maybe i'll edit the song to make it more to the tune of what actually happened or something. I don't know. Anywho.

I do plan to have enough songs and covers polished by June to put on a small show. Probably at a coffee house or something. I want to go to an open mic before that though to give some time on stage before actually having a show. Haha. And i'll have some "Bedroom Sessions" posted on myspace and facebook. Haha. That's what my first album will be lol sessions from my room and my little baby studio. :P Thanks to all who read. I know it's really boring right now lol but it'll get more interesting i promise. ^_^ Well off to conquer what's left of the day :D