I find it funny

I find it funny that these posts only happen either late at night or when I deprive myself of much needed sleep. I have these emotional moments where I realize that I'm either not over something or I really take a good hard look at my life and see things that need to change or I find things I don't know how to change. All of my failures and insecurities rally to tear me back down to pile of rubble I had begun to climb out of. Progress met with resistance internally. No one sees it and it drives me crazy. I feel like I'm lying to them by being who I really am when I'm with them and not believing any of the compliments they pay me. In not feeling like the things people see and expect. Knowing that in my head and in my time of solitude I'm lost and scared. Doing things that are killing me. Not even living up to the potential to see my own potential. When people see me they see someone who is willing to fight. Someone with such great possibility. Someone who has power... When I see myself in the mirror I see someone who is pathetic, a fraud, someone undeserving, someone who gave up and will continue to give up when the sun rises on tomorrow. But when I close my eyes and look inside myself i can sense a giant waiting to burst out. I see myself through God's eyes... I see someone imperfect in need of a hand, a heart, a love who cares and is willing. Someone with regrets who knows that the past is the past and needs to remain that way. i can't carry all the crap around with me. I need to shed it so that I have the strength to carry what today brings. When one works out they don't carry the same weights they used when they first started and every sequential increase in between. The exponential addition of weight, no matter their level of strength, will make it so that they can't lift their arms let alone walk... Each time you finish a work out, trials and experiences in life, you put the weights back and come back the next day stronger and pick up the next set and use the strength you've gained to help you get through this workout. There are times when you have more weight than is safe to try by yourself so you have a spotter. God is the ultimate spotter, Gym trainer, but he places people in our lives, a spouse, best friend, pastor, etc., to be that spotter. When it gets too easy you either need to add more weight or change the routine. Right now I'm still carrying a lot of extra weight i need to put back. I'm trying to move forward and I'm tearing tendons... Well it's time... I'm out...