Sex and Real Life...

So a friend of mine recently posted about sex on her tumbler. Here is a link to it. It's good post that just tells it like it is. ...contemplating on whether or not to post this... it's late... it may not make sense... I mean it's something we all deal with. As a Christian, and a man who wants to save himself for his wife, I'm waiting until I've made my commitment to her for the rest of my life. Now everything, literally everything almost has sexual innuendo to it. I've seen ads for workboots... workboots people... that were sex driven. I mean they really aren't making this thing easy. We aren't being told how to deal with our sex-drive in a healthy matter. Just being told to wait... and wait... Not only am I tired of not knowing really what to do while I'm waiting. I've read christian literature about the damaging effects of pornography and masturbation, premarital sex, oral sex, and sexual acts. Yes I've been given good info on why certain behaviors are bad and i understand why sex being saved solely for the marriage bed is important but still nothing on the in between. I understand not now and it'll be amazing when i get there... but the transit... WUT THE EFF. I'm not sure If I'm the only one but my sense of intimacy has been affected already. For someone whose primary love language is touch sometimes i have a hard time just being myself with friends in that respect for fear of, 1) how it may be received, 2) how my body may react to affection, the very affection I long for, and 3) lack of of knowing how to differentiate affection between friends with more than friends. I really want to be held and hold a member of the opposite sex. In actuality I also wouldn't mind a good snuggle with a dude. I mean i hate how society says that men must be strong all the time and be hard as rock and only eat raw meat with chainsaws and machetes... I'll eat raw fish with sticks... is that close enough. I mean look at some of the most magnificent mountains in the world. They are big and strong but they are adorned with nature that is so beautiful and lush that it's just ridiculous. :) I see nothing weak about a man who doesn't mind being the one held by his woman or a female friend. In the same respect I see nothing "gay" about being held by another dude. Men can be just as nurturing as women. :) I know I ramble and sometimes draw a line then stop midway start another one then come back and finish the other line... This is the very reason why I should not write late at night... So the gist of it all is... sex is prominent in our everyday lives. Wut the eff do we as young Christians in transit to marriage? I ALWAYS want to hug. And i ramble... At least i'm holding true to the blog title. I am basically rambling and offering the portion of my thoughts that actually make it into words... so if there are holes i'm sorry... :P Still contemplating posting this... this may have been a bad idea...

... Why do I even Blog???

First off Alison Krauss is amazing. I love her voice and she seems like a genuinely sweet individual. I'd like to meet her one day. I just finished watching a made for TV movie chick flick type movie. I'm a sucker for anything remotely romantic. Haven't watched anything like this in a while with good reason. I always end up with this sinking feeling in my gut and my chest feels like there's a HUGE chunk of metal deep inside and some supercharged magnet out there in this big world is tugging at it... I understand that love is more than just feelings and that it takes work. I know I have some more maturing to do before i'm ready to give my heart to someone and in return accept theirs. But a part of me still longs for it... and It drives me MAD!!

It feels as though if "she" were here even if I stopped breathing everything would be ok. I would still be able to continue on living without oxygen. That God had put her in my life so that I could breathe underwater. I'm a dreamer and a romantic, but I'm also one of the few who will think about something so logically and rationalize every conceivable situation with my little mind to the point that it will drive me nuts. To the point where I can't act on my intuition unless I know there is a guarantee. Trying to rationalize love is like trying to perform open heart surgery through the sole of the foot... just doesn't work...

I just want to be held. I just want to hold someone close to me. I want... no I need to hear their heart beating... hear their spirit in it's cadence... to feel the love in their warmth.

What is it when you want to hold someone close and protect them from all that you can. When you want to give them all that you can. When you want to help them however you can. When you want to be for them whatever you can. What is it when they are on your mind and after the butterflies have fluttered on you still hold them in your eyes. What is it when you see such promise and beauty in someone. When you need them to know they are loved. When for no reason that can be rationalized you would put your dream on hold to see to it that theirs came true. When you would trade your tongue just to hear them speak. When you would live off of rice and celery... Is this love?

Why am I in a daze. Confused about my emotions. Why do I feel as though my feelings are a betrayal as opposed to a gift.

I Gots Big Boy Sponsibilities Now. :)

So today I took another small step into the transition into adulthood. Once I am employed I will have completed phase "whateveryouwannacallit" before the phase of becoming a Married adult lol. Which seems to still be a ways off haha. But hopefully not too far off. So I'm working on some new covers. I'm going to get them licensed and everything and do it up legit lol :) But yeah looks like i won't really make much profit off of covers unless i sell like A BAJILLION of them lol they'll mostly be for exposure i guess. I can see myself doing the music thing for the rest of my life though. i just seriously need to get more organized in life. Looking forward to the day when i have hardware that does what i need and want it to do when i need/ want it to do it. I need something that just works. that's why I miss my ephing mac lol. but i can almost taste it. I can't record really with the iBook. It does something weird to my interface i think. I've continually been having an issue with it that only occurs when it's connected tot he mac... well... I'll be getting a new set up in the near future. I wonder what i'll do with Papaya. Hopefully the upgrades i'll make to it in the coming months will enable it to resist becoming obsolete for a good number of years. I'll keep her in the family though :) I really need to get some better speakers. I mean even just some nice multimedia speakers that claim to be studio monitors, Like some AV40s or something along those lines. Even some Samsons. those were well decent enough for listening to KUSC and watching dvds and listening to DUBSTEP!!! lol. But yeah i want to get a pair of decent "monitors" (nice speakers) for reference and then some nice to REALLY nice monitors for the actual mixing process :) Depending on how the upgrade goes with Papaya i may get an Imac first, as opposed to a macbook pro... Oh... Papaya is my Netbook. :D well it's now 3:10 a.m. so i think I should go to sleep... I really look forward to the coming months. God is working on me in a lot of ways and i still have a lot of maturing to do. I really hope that a certain something works out. :) Genuine is the word that comes to mind. I need to meet her for realsies. Night Duckie Outie

Sometimes

If only it were this simple... I like you, you like me... lets hold hands...

Sometimes words elude me... I make up words and they can't aptly express my feelings and thoughts.

I write songs in the hopes that they will capture the essence of the matter. Sometimes they do.

Other times they never make it to the place of being able to capture the essence in a touch.

What I imagine a kiss to be. Just a simple hello is enough to send my heart racing.

Holding hands... a simplistic ode to love... :)

If I can just hold your hand for a moment I feel as though we speak.

Ducky outie...

GAHHHHHH why is life so complicated?






*photo taken from an article at curvymagazine.com