Where am I going?

I feel like I'm going fucking mad. A very close friend of mine just shares with me her spiritual breakthrough and revelation. I'm so stoked and happy to hear about this. I've been praying for peace and a breakthrough in her life. And we are finally starting to see the beginning of it and I just want to cry because I'm so happy. (and now I'm crying...) I don't understand it. There's too much in my head right now Happiness, sadness, sorrow, joy, confusion, fear, love, peace, apathy, passion, clarity, understanding, anger, reconciliation, strength and weakness, life, death, confidence, patience, words that don't exist and emotions that can never be written. I feel broken and whole and locked away inside myself. I don't know what this is but I'm happy for her and my tears rejoice for her life beginning to be what it needs to be what God wants it to be; while weeping for things dead in me I don't understand and will never see... I feel so alone but I know God is with me. I feel so stupid for feeling anything. I want to run but I can't run from this.I just want to be done. I want to be gone. I wont let go and I don't know why... I don't even know what I'm still holding on to and I don't want to face it.

Driven

Driven to write... driven to love... afraid I don't know how to. I want to write a song We can slow dance to. I want take you up into the canyons at night and watch the stars and slow dance to silence. Hold you close as we hear the crickets chirp. Sing a soothing melody in your ear as your cheek is pressed against my chest... I want to know you. I want to see you. Not with my eyes but with my heart. My heart hurts. My chest longs for your embrace. My consciousness pines for a lingering passion in your eyes towards mine. My heart is heavy... I love you... I'm pretty sure. I think this is what love feels like.

I think...

I think I'm really in love I saw her smile today and my heart skipped a beat... I cried... The idea of seeing her sends my heart racing I can't help but smile when I see her and she's not looking Just to hold her hand I heard a phrase today from an artist... "You carry me home" When I'm in her embrace I feel like I'm home Nothing else matters There's so much I can't even explain When I'm far from her there's a place in my heart that yearns for her I think I gave her a piece of me too soon... I love her...

I'm done with it...

I just don't get it sometimes. If you're so damn worried why not fucking ask? You can't really be that concerned if you don't fucking talk to me. I may not talk but it's giving you a chance to. If you have the balls to confront me when I'm feeling like shit for no apparent reason then thank you. You think the people I care about know me. Sometimes I just need a fucking hug. I'm only posting this here because I know no one reads it. I'm just done with people not having the balls to tell me how they feel about me. You don't want to see me again ok but fucking respond or tell me to my face. You have an issue with the way I'm doing something ok tell me to my fucking face. You notice I'm off. Ask me what the fuck is wrong. i say something that hurts your feelings or offends you or someone else. Don't let it slide TELL ME... TO... MY... FUCKING... FACE! I know that bullshit is going to be a constant in life and i just might start calling people on it. I know I'd lose some "friends" but fuck it I don't care anymore. I'm tired of being what I think people want me to be. I just want to be me without the fear of being alone. I know i don't "need" people to live. But I know that I do need people. Without other people our existence is practically meaningless. So just another mindless rant late night by the poet, the songster, the artist that is me... I'm done with it...