Where am I going?

I feel like I'm going fucking mad. A very close friend of mine just shares with me her spiritual breakthrough and revelation. I'm so stoked and happy to hear about this. I've been praying for peace and a breakthrough in her life. And we are finally starting to see the beginning of it and I just want to cry because I'm so happy. (and now I'm crying...) I don't understand it. There's too much in my head right now Happiness, sadness, sorrow, joy, confusion, fear, love, peace, apathy, passion, clarity, understanding, anger, reconciliation, strength and weakness, life, death, confidence, patience, words that don't exist and emotions that can never be written. I feel broken and whole and locked away inside myself. I don't know what this is but I'm happy for her and my tears rejoice for her life beginning to be what it needs to be what God wants it to be; while weeping for things dead in me I don't understand and will never see... I feel so alone but I know God is with me. I feel so stupid for feeling anything. I want to run but I can't run from this.I just want to be done. I want to be gone. I wont let go and I don't know why... I don't even know what I'm still holding on to and I don't want to face it.